May 2011
1 post
Let's recap the last 24 hours.
-I work at a cute little boutique now, and I was spraying myself all day with what I thought was perfume, until a coworker pointed out it was room spray.
-Was filling a sink at Floyd’s with water, walked away, and the hose somehow got out of the sink and almost soaked a client sitting in the next chair. I ran through it and got completely drenched trying to turn it off.
-Got to school...
March 2011
1 post
“You fart a lot in your sleep.”
– Mom
February 2011
4 posts
“You know you’re a fatty when BBQ is the highlight of your day.”
– Mandie
“Oh, really? He says he’s a model? Huh…he must model shoes. Or...”
– Andrew
January 2011
5 posts
“Two disgusting things: One. Rod Stewart is having a baby. Two. Russell Brand and...”
– Alex (after just reading an OK! Magazine)
“So then he asked me to cuddle, and I’m like, ‘Are you crazy?...”
– Charlie
Addie: Yeah, I can pick you up if you want. Although I'm on E again.
Stephanie: Wait...ecstasy??
Addie: Um, no...my gas tank is empty...on E. Wow.
“Steph, you need to drop these zeros and get with a hero…and, no, I...”
– Sean
“Stephanie, just keep it classy. Speaking of classy, your fly is down.”
– Alex
December 2010
3 posts
I've been meaning to share this story.
I took my parents to the Lincoln Park Zoo when they were visiting here last. We were walking though the disgusting Penguin House, and I couldn’t see through any of the glass because it was all fogged up. I tried to get a better look by putting my face up to the glass, but didn’t realize there were two panels, and hit my head really hard against it. haha I walked around the corner to...
“It’s not menopause, it’s just macaroni and cheese.”
– Juan
October 2010
2 posts
Oh damn.
Me: Let's talk politics or something...like a true barbershop.
Dee: I thought I made it feel like a true barbershop when I farted a few minutes ago...?
My sad attempt at flirting.
Me: Did you bring a sweater?
Client: Uhh...what?
Me: Well, I mean...you rode your bike to the shop...I figured it's getting cold out there since the sun has gone down.
Client: I just saw a guy in short sleeves drive by with his window down...I think I'll be okay
Me: Oh..right.
My coworkers then laughed hysterically.
June 2010
1 post
Me: Hey man, how's it going?
Client: Good...I'd like a haircut
Me (thinking he said "I like your haircut"): Oh! Thanks!! I just got it cut last week.
Client: Um....what?
Me: Uhh
Client: I said "I'd like a haircut"
Me: ...oh....right.
May 2010
3 posts
“I’m gonna have a snack…because I’m young, gifted, and black.”
– Christine
Hilarious
So the other night I was at a Cubs game with a couple friends. There was a dude in front of us who was eating a chicken sandwich. At one point, while holding the sandwich, he leaned in to talk to another one of his friends, thus putting this said sandwich out of his view, and into mine.
“Steph…I dare you to take a bite of it,” says Natalie.
I literally almost had the...
April 2010
1 post
“I didn’t know whether to barf all over myself or crap my pants.”
– Michelle, after saying she ate “like me” for a day.
March 2010
1 post
“Stephanie, when I watch 30 Rock I laugh partly because it’s hilarious and...”
– Elizabeth
February 2010
1 post
“I really fall for that kind of thing, for good manners. I have this feeling that...”
– “Asleep” by Banana Yoshimoto
January 2010
7 posts
Charmer.
Me: Hey what are you doing?
Joshua: Uhh I'm hanging out with this broad.
Me: Ooooh like a date?
Joshua: I guess. We better make out or something because if not, I've missed an entire night of watching hockey.
I’m almost positive I would rank in a hot dog eating contest.
“Even though I would literally throw myself into things, I was eternally skimming...”
– “A Strange Tale from Down by the River” by Banana Yoshimoto
Me: Dude. How do you work with these girls all day?
Todd: Well, I'm usually drunk...
It kept going
Me: Oh man, did you hear about this Gothic cruise?
Lance: Uhh what
Me: Yeah, it's real life. It's a gothic cruise. It's exactly what it sounds like. I wonder if the ship is a pirate ship.
Lance: Do you think they dye the pool red?
Lance: "Oh hey...I gotta go back to my room to re-apply my eyeliner. I'll meet you down at the hot tub in 20"
Me: I bet the cast of Twilight goes
Lance: They're all gonna get sunburnt!
Me: "My cape keeps getting in the way of my shuffleboard skills"
“The mind is the only thing about human beings that’s worth anything. Why...”
– Kurt Vonnegut, Jr
Drunk Tim is the best
(Before reading this, please imagine a gay man's voice with Tim's dialogue)
Tim: You look like my grandpaaa
Ryan: Oh...is it my scarf?
Tim: No! I think it's your hairrrr.
Ryan: Hah, thanks?
Tim: Yeah, he's a majorrrr drug dealer in Michigan.
December 2009
10 posts
SAGITTARIUS - THE ONE (11/22-12/21)
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where…!!! Not the kind of...
Ryan: They should make a Full House video game.
Me: Yeah...but what would you do?
Ryan: I don't know, babysit.
Me: Hey you eat meat, right?
Eliza: Are you kidding? Look at me...I eat everything.
God I love this country
Client: Hey do you guys take appointments?
Josh: Just for color
Client: Colored people?
Josh: Uh...no.
“I’m excited about that babe…AND her mom.”
– Harbor
Me: Yeah, don't worry, Grandma. I still don't have any tattoos.
Gma: Well, if you get one, just don't get any black ones on your arms.
Me: Hah...ok. Why?
Gma: They're just so ugly!!
Me: Ok, I promise. No black tattoos on my arms.
Gma: Good. They're forever, you know? I saw this show about someone taking them off with cheese graters.
Me: WHAT?!! What kind of show were you watching???
Gma: Well, it was Law & Order...and it was a pimp...and his, uh... (whispers) hoes.
Me: Haha How does that work?
Gma: Apparently, (whispers, again) hoes get tattoos that brand them to their pimps. And if they leave, they get the cheese grater.
Me: Wow that sounds awful.
Gma: Yeah, so think about that next time you want a tattoo.
Me: Well, I really don't plan on being a "ho" anytime soon, but thanks for the warning, Grandma
My boss (on the front desk computer): Ummm....who googled "How to tape boobs up?"
Me: ...
My boss: Oh my god.
Me: Listen! I had a dress that I couldn't wear a...
My boss (interupting me): Whoaaaa. No...don't finish that sentence.
Me: ...blerg.
November 2009
10 posts
Me: Pshhh...being with me is like winning the Olympics
Kevin: Yeah, the Special Olympics. You might get the gold, but you still lose.
Me: You're so good to me
I'm such a fat kid
I keep mistaking the Salvation Army bell for an ice cream cart…such a rollercoaster of emotions.
3am.
Me (at the drive-in window at Wendy's): I'll have two cheeseburgers, a crispy chicken sandwich, and some fries
Judi: Uhh (looks at me disgusted)...I'll have a cheeseburger and a 5-piece chicken nugget. Hungry, Stephanie?
Me: LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING
Judi: Haha alright alright
Me: Yeah I'll just eat some of it tomorrow
------------
Judi (three minutes later): Wowwwwww. No survivors.
Me: Don't judge me.
“I like winter time the best cause women dress up more. They have so many...”
– Harbor (one of the cutest things I’ve ever heard him say)
…I ate four Hot Pockets yesterday.
Chicago Looks →
My job is way too awesome
Me: Hey remember when you forced me to touch your butt?
Joshua: Forced?! Psh...you were like a magnet to a fridge!
“I am six feet two and weigh nearly two hundred pounds and am badly coordinated,...”
– Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
I love Bridget Jones's Diary.
Mark Darcy: I like you, very much.
Bridget: Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and... ah, the verbal diarrhea.
Mark Darcy: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.